Why is my child so anxious? When anxiety is the smoke, not the fire
Most of us like to have some sense of control and predictability in our lives. We like to be able to plan things and feel prepared.
When we try to take too much control over situations, we can wind up feeling stressed and anxious (thinking of all the what-ifs) or depressed (thinking that nothing ever goes the way we want).
The other thing that often happens is that we miss out on parts of our lives. Have you ever been driving on a familiar route and then suddenly realised that you missed your exit (you missed the journey or the scenery)? Or you’ve been chatting to someone but have no idea what they just said (you missed the personal connection)? You were probably ‘in your head’, thinking about something that just happened, or what might happen next.
Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. We can’t control what has happened in the past, and we can’t control what will happen in the future; we can only control this moment…now.
What is anxiety, really?
Anxiety is our body’s built-in alarm system. When a child’s brain senses a threat, whether that's a challenging social situation, overwhelming sensory input, or something else, it flips the survival switch. This can show up as:
Avoidance or school refusal
Irritability or the need to control
Shutting down, such as ‘I don’t know’ responses
Constantly seeking reassurance
Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches
Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes
It’s important to know anxiety isn’t a flaw in your child’s personality. It’s a sign their nervous system is working overtime to keep them safe. So, the helpful question to ask is “What’s fueling it?’“, compared to “How do I get rid of my child’s anxiety”.
Managing anxiety vs. understanding it
Quick fixes, such as calming strategies, breathing exercises, or extra reassurance, can help in the moment. Although when anxiety keeps coming back, it’s often because we’re only treating the smoke, not what’s fueling the fire.
In therapy, we look at:
The stress response itself (the anxiety)
The underlying stressors and patterns keep it going.
If the load underneath it all doesn’t change, the anxiety usually sticks around. Real progress starts when we dig deeper to understand what’s sustaining the anxiety for your child.
What drives anxiety in young people?
While every child is different, common drivers might include:
Sensory sensitivity or overload
Social dynamics and friendship challenges
Learning or developmental difference
Changes or unpredictability in routine
Family or environmental stress
When is anxiety a bigger concern?
All kids feel anxious sometimes. It becomes more concerning when it starts to:
Get in the way of school or friendships.
Causes ongoing avoidance or emotional meltdowns.
Take over family routines.
When anxiety starts to run the show at home or school, it’s a sign that extra support could make a real difference.
The limits of reassurance
It’s only natural to want to comfort your child. However, when we step in to shield them from every worry or remove every challenge, we can accidentally make anxiety stronger. If safety always comes from the world changing, kids miss out on learning that they can handle tough feelings, too.
Our aim isn’t to erase anxiety; it’s to help kids feel confident they can get through it. That means saying, ‘I know this is hard, and I believe you can handle it’. Confidence and compassion need to go hand in hand.
Our approach at Mind in Mind Psychology
Every child’s anxiety is unique. It’s shaped by their personality, development, environment, relationships, and lived experiences. Two children might both look ‘anxious’; however, what’s underneath can be completely different.
We work closely with families to understand:
How your child’s nervous system reacts to stress
Their unique thinking and feeling patterns
Environmental factors that help or hinder their regulation
Their strengths and what helps them feel safe
From there, our support is tailored, not to change who your child is, but to build flexibility, confidence, and resilience.
Anxiety isn’t something to stamp out. It’s something to understand. When we address what’s fueling the fire, the smoke often starts to clear.
Resources
Outsmarting worry book
The kids guide to staying awesome and in control book
Written by Kate McGufficke, Provisional Psychologist
